Secrets
by BBBon
Summary: "I did some stuff because I was a stupid teenager around the wrong people. It was dumb. But then I had Quentin, and I thought I would just stop. But his dad was really bad, and I constantly felt like I had this huge hole in my life. My baby should have been enough to fill it, but I just felt so bad all the time that it was like he was was making it even bigger… So I filled it."


A/N: I do not own Containment or any of its characters

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"So you said you share custody with Quentin's grandparents… Does that mean like 50/50 or what?"

They're doing nothing. They're just sitting in the hallway trying to make time pass a little more quickly. Katie's picking at one of the kids' shirt, trying to fix a hole in the sleeve, even though it's very obvious that she has no idea what she's doing with that needle and thread. She stops for a second and looks up at him.

"No, they get him one full week a month and then one other weekend."

"That's kind of weird, though, right? I mean, for grandparents to get that much." He's no family law expert, but he's been around enough feuding families to know that visitation and custody arrangements are the cause of a huge number of domestic disputes.

Katie just lifts a shoulder. "They have more rights than most grandparents." His face must show his confusion, so she elaborates. "They had full custody when he was really little. Drugs, you know."

Her eyes drop back down to the shirt, but her hands make no movement to return to work. It's obvious that she's embarrassed or doesn't like talking about it.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's fine." She looks back up with a mustered on smile. "I made mistakes, and I fixed them. I wish I didn't, but I can't change the past." It sounds like she's repeating some mantra to herself that's been drilled into her head. "I learned a lot about action and consequence."

"What did you do?"

"Huh?"

"Drugs… I mean." He feels like he's prying and maybe crossing a line. He should probably just mind his own business, and he almost apologizes again, but Katie actually answers him.

"Some of everything. Meth, mostly."

He's seen a ton of meth heads, and she doesn't fit the bill at all. He doesn't even know what to say, so he just sits there trying to wrap his head around the fact that this girl who is beautiful and seems so together could have at any point in her life been on the same level as the tweakers he sees every day. It doesn't seem possible.

"I know how stupid it is." She almost sounds defensive, but her eyes barely flash. "Trust me." She shakes her head for a second and then leans it back against the wall behind her. "God, you're a cop…" She almost mumbles the last part.

"I'm just surprised, that's all. I wouldn't have guessed meth." He tries to keep the judgment out of his voice, but it's kind of hard after seeing so many lives completely ruined by that shit.

Katie immediately lifts her head and looks at him. "Really? What would you have guessed then?" He can tell she's somewhat offended and is probably baiting him, but he answers anyway.

"I don't know. Pills or something." He shrugs one shoulder and wonders if he's digging the hole deeper with every word out of his mouth.

"Did that, too. I told you, I did whatever I could get my hands on. I just did some stuff more than others."

She's speaking so frankly about the whole thing, and he's almost positive that she's pissed, even though she hasn't come out and said it. He should probably just stop while he's ahead, but he's never been all that sensible.

"How'd you even get into that stuff?"

"The same way anyone does." She's definitely defensive now, and he should have known better. She must hear her tone, though, because she softens it slightly. "I did some stuff because I was a stupid teenager around the wrong people. I thought I was rebelling or something, and whatever," she lifts a shoulder, "It was dumb. But then I had Quentin, and I thought I would just stop doing all that crap and it would be no big deal. But his dad was really bad, and I constantly felt like I had this huge hole in my life. My baby should have been enough to fill it, but I honestly just felt so bad all the time that it was like he was making it even bigger… So I filled it with something else."

He can't understand it. He sees her with Quentin now, and he can't imagine her ever putting anything above him. It just doesn't seem possible, but he knows what drugs do to people. He's also seen enough of the consequences of untreated chemical imbalances to know how dangerous it is. He's seen enough to understand what hole she's talking about, and he's seen enough to understand how desperate some people get to just make it disappear by any means possible. She self-medicated. Some people do a lot worse.

"What made you stop?"

Katie gives up on sewing all together and just drops the shirt into her lap. It takes her a few seconds, but she finally answers. "I just woke up one day, and I didn't have anything. I didn't have my son, I didn't have my family, I didn't have a job… No money, no kind of stability… My boyfriend was way more concerned about whatever needle he was sticking in his arm than he was about anything having to do with me. And it all just hit me one morning, and I just quit."

"Just like that?" He knows plenty about addiction, and people don't usually just up and quit with no complications.

"I mean, it was hell. Don't get me wrong. But I didn't want that life, and I knew I needed to stop before it was too late. So I did. I checked myself into rehab, and then I just…" she lifts her shoulders again, "quit."

"You must be super strong. Most people can't do that."

She shakes her head. "No, I was just determined. I was young, and I didn't want to spend my whole life just trying to find enough money to get the next hit and never caring about anything else. I hated it. The whole time I was doing it, I hated it, but I just kept doing it… It was so dumb."

"It's not dumb. Drugs are like that. You wouldn't believe some of the shit I've seen…"

Katie just blinks. "Yeah, I would. Trust me."

He underestimates her. It's weird because he feels like he's known her forever and knows her inside and out, but that's not true. He hasn't known her forever, and he's constantly being surprised by her.

She stretches her legs out and leans her head back against the wall for a second. "My parents were really conservative and strict, and I basically did whatever I could to piss them off when I was a kid. So they paid me back by literally packing my stuff for me while I was at a graduation party and having it waiting for me the next morning." She lifts her head and runs a hand through her hair. "And that was it. I moved in to a nasty two bedroom house with my boyfriend and six other people, and by the end of the summer, I was pregnant."

"Well, you are an amazing success story." He glances her up and down for a second. "I mean, look at you now."

"It took awhile to get Quentin back. Even after I got sober. I got a job, started going to school… It happened eventually. Slowly but surely. But you know, his grandparents still don't really trust me."

"Then they're stupid. You're an amazing mom. And teacher. And person." He hears the determination in his voice, and she smiles at him a little shyly.

"Thanks… I get it, though. To them, I'm still just the junkie teenage slut who ruined their son's life. That's all I'll ever be."

"But that's not who you are, and if they can't see that, then fuck them."

She smiles again. "I'm just used to it. I try not to let it bother me, and anyway, I owe them a lot. We don't usually see eye to eye completely, but I'm still really glad they were there. I'm thankful they were there to give Quentin a safe home. I'm even thankful that they cared enough to step in and get him taken away in the first place. I was super pissed back then, but I'm not anymore. We couldn't take care of him, and I'm glad somebody was around to realize that and do something about it."

He wonders if she realizes how mature that sounds. He's seen so many kids taken out of homes because their parents were a mess and couldn't take care of them or just didn't _want_ to. He's always felt so much anger toward those people, never really seeing the situation from any other angle except selfish parents who put themselves over their kids. But sometimes there's more to it, and she's proof of that. When it happens, those parents are always so angry and hateful and always act so shocked that somebody would dare to intervene. It takes someone really mature to be able to look back and be able to put away the anger and actually be _thankful_ that it happened.

"And anyway," she brushes more hair over her shoulder. "They love Quentin. Like crazy. And he loves them. And that's the only thing that matters. As long as they love my kid, it doesn't really matter how they feel about me."

"I think you're really brave." He's not lying, either. She's amazing. Just… _everything_ is amazing.

"Thanks." She's quiet and almost seems uncomfortable with the compliment. "I've just had a lot of time to look back and understand why things happened."

"Where's his dad?" Jake hears the question before he has a chance to stop it. He knows he's already pushing the boundaries of what's acceptable conversation, but he's just curious. He wants to know about her life. Even the bad stuff.

Katie glances away for a second and then sighs. "I don't really know. The last I heard, he was in Florida, but that was awhile ago."

"He doesn't ever see Quentin?"

Katie shrugs. "I mean, he _has_ , but it's never been a regular thing. He shows up randomly every now and then saying he's getting sober, and his parents always let him come home. He usually stays a week or two before he takes off again. Quentin sees him when he's around, but he knows better than to believe that it's ever going to last. But really, he probably hasn't been home in more than two years now, so I don't really know where he is now."

"What's his name?"

"His dad? Dylan."

"He's missing out on a great kid."

Katie smiles then, not the shy smile, but a real smile. "Yeah. The best one I know, for sure."

"Did you love him?"

The smile trips, and she stares at him like she's unsure if he's actually asking that question. He realizes it's personal, but so is everything else she's told him in the past few minutes. He thinks she probably won't answer it, but then she actually does.

"I guess… I mean, he's a part of Quentin. I _care_ about him, and I want him to get better. I would like Quentin to know his dad, but not like that, you know. I want him to know a sober, healthy dad. But honestly, I've never even known him sober and healthy, so…"

"Maybe he'll eventually get better." He knows it's a long-shot. The guy's obviously been hooked for over a decade. There's a much better chance of him ending up in a casket than actually getting clean. He doesn't say that.

Katie chews on her lip for a second and then just kind of tilts her head. "I just feel guilty sometimes. You know, that Quentin doesn't have anybody to do _guy stuff_ with him. I mean, he's got his granddad, but it's not the same." She rolls her eyes a little and then shakes her head. "It's dumb, I know."

"No, I get it. But seriously, I'm sure you probably do everything and more with him that his dad would do even if he was sober. I doubt he's missing out."

"Yeah… I just think it would be nice. Like if he had somebody like you around all the time or-" She cuts herself off immediately. "Oh, my god. That came out wrong. I swear I did not just ask you to be my kid's dad. Don't freak out."

"I don't think I'm the one freaking out." He smirks at her, highly amused by how red her face has turned. She shoots him a glare, but it'd be a lot more effective if she wasn't so cute.

"I'm just saying," she goes on pointedly, "he likes hanging out with you. I can tell he likes having a _guy_ around. That's all."

"Well, he's a cool kid." He smiles, less smirky and more honest. "He's stuck with me now."

Katie smiles, too, and he wonders how it's even possible to feel like this. He's heard plenty of other people talk about it, but he always thought they were exaggerating. But seriously, he's never met another person in his entire life that he just wants to _know_ as badly as he does her. He wants to know everything about her, and he wants to always see her smile. Just like this. He knows it's probably crazy, and he knows he would judge the hell out of someone else for saying these things about somebody they really just met… But he doesn't care if it's crazy. He just wants her to keep smiling.

"Okay, I can't believe I just confessed multiple crimes to a cop." She laughs a little nervously and pushes herself into a straighter sitting position.

"Please." He rolls his eyes. "I did plenty of bad shit when I was younger. Trust me."

"Meth?" She lifts her eyebrows, and he shakes his head.

"No. But I did get arrested for stealing a car when I was fifteen. I didn't even have a driver's license."

"You stole a _car?_ "

"Tried to." He rolls his eyes. "It was really stupid. I thought I was super badass. Turns out, I really had no idea how to steal a car past the break the window out part, which shockingly enough, is not usually the first actual step to stealing a car…"

"Did you go to jail?"

"For one night, yeah. Luckily, my best friend's dad was a cop, and he got me off. Perfect example of law enforcement, though… Know the right people, and you can get away with anything."

"That sounds fair and encouraging."

He just shrugs. He can't defend it. It just is what it is.

"Well, trust me, he kicked my ass and threatened me within like an inch of my life and made it super clear that if I ever did anything stupid like that again that he'd go out of his way to make sure I faced every possible consequence allowed under the law." He smiles a little bit. "It was enough to scare me in to keeping Grand Theft Auto solely for the X-Box."

"I guess you were lucky then."

"Yeah… I think he just knew my home life was pretty shitty and didn't want me to ruin my future before it even started."

"Is he still on the force?"

He shakes his head. "No. He, uh, he left a long time ago. Lex's dad."

"Oh, wow." She blinks a few times. "I didn't realize you guys like grew up together."

Jake tips his head back against the wall and tries to stretch the cramp creeping up in his neck. "Well, he's a few years older than me. But we played on the same ball team since I was like thirteen, I guess."

"Oh, right. District champs."

He smiles again and nods. That seems like forever ago.

"So do you guys always share girlfriends or what?"

"Who? _Jana?_ " He laughs. "Jana was never my girlfriend. I met her first, that's all. We went on one actual date, and it was not very successful. I'm not Jana's type. Trust me."

"What's not her type? Attractive and capable?"

He lifts an eyebrow, and she turns a little pink again. He doesn't even comment on it, though, and just starts giving her examples. "Try narcissistic and self-absorbed and unreliable and immature and selfish and… I'm trying to remember all the adjectives she's used."

Katie's eyes are a little wide. "Wow. She sounds nice…"

He laughs and shakes his head. "She's cool. We're actually pretty good friends now, but yeah, we've had our moments."

"Why? Was the date _that_ bad?"

"It wasn't great, but no. We just went on that one date, and then nothing happened. I could tell within five minutes that she wasn't actually into me. But we hung out a few more times, just like casually or whatever. Then she ended up coming out to this bar on my birthday, and Lex was there. And the rest is history, I guess."

Katie laughs, a little shocked laugh. "She came to _your_ birthday party and left with your best friend? That's rough."

Jake realizes that it sounds worse than it was, but he shrugs anyway. "That's life, I guess."

"So where do all the narcissistic and self-absorbed moments come into play?"

"Oh, you know. Classic story of guy gets his balls stolen by girl. Best friend resents the hell out of girl. Girl blames best friend for everything wrong in guy's life. Etcetera, etcetera."

"So you were jealous of each other."

"Not _jealous_." Yes, probably jealous, but he will never admit that. "But when you see your buddy's balls being stolen, you can't call yourself a true friend unless you at least _try_ to intervene."

"And I assume no one has ever stolen your balls?"

"Never." He grins a little and tilts his head suggestively. "Not yet anyway."

"Oh, that's romantic."

He laughs. It's so easy with her. He's one-hundred percent sure that she knows exactly how he feels about her, and it's weirdly freeing to not have that pressure of trying to impress a girl with actual smooth talking and flirting. He can be as obvious and over the top about it as he wants to be, and instead of being offended or embarrassed, she can just blow it off as ridiculous. It's very liberating in a weird way.

"I mean," he lifts an eyebrow, "I'd let you take them on a test drive, but you know, we're not supposed to touch."

"Spoiler alert. No girl wants to take any sort of balls on a test drive."

He laughs again and nods. "Noted."

Katie rolls her eyes, but he can easily see the smile she's trying to hide. That's what he likes best about her. She just calls him out and gives him plenty of shit of her own.

"But _anyway_ ," she pointedly steers the conversation away from balls. "I think it's cute that you've been friends that long."

"Cute?"

She purses her lips at his protest. "Yes, _cute_. Or nice. Whatever. People usually don't have friends that long." She pushes some hair away from her face. "I mean, I don't. But that's probably a good thing because my old friends weren't exactly the best."

Jake just lifts a shoulder. "Well, trust me. I had a lot of not great friends, too. But Lex was always just…" He shakes his head. "I don't know. Maybe it's because he's older than me or whatever, but he was always just one of the few people I ever felt was really looking out for me. Or even cared, I guess."

"See, that's nice."

"Yeah…" Jake leans his own head back against the wall and lets out a sigh. "I know I owe him a lot. But I just feel… like resentment or whatever. I hate feeling that way because he's my best friend, you know? But I can't help it."

"Resentment for what?"

Jake knows it's dumb. He knows it before he even says anything, and he knows he should just keep his mouth shut because it's ridiculous. But he hears himself saying it anyway. "It just seems like he's got everything. Like he's the one with the great life and the title and the money and all of that stuff, and I'm the one stuck in here burning bodies and trying to like single-handedly protect four thousand people." He rolls his eyes. "I know it's stupid."

"It's not stupid." Katie shakes her head. "You have a right to feel resentful about being here. They're asking a lot of you."

He lifts his head and rubs at the back of his neck. "I just don't know why they think anybody could handle all this. They won't send anybody in, and I'm just supposed to magically be able to handle all this. I mean, I don't get paid enough for my _regular_ job, much less this shit."

Katie smiles. "Tell me about it. Trust me, I get it."

She probably does. He's sure she makes even less than he does, and that's bullshit. And now she's stuck in here trying to take care of her own kid, plus these other kids who don't even belong to her, and he knows how much stress she's under. She tries to stay positive for the kids because things will just get exponentially worse if the kids start freaking out even more than they already are. But he knows the positive attitude is just for show because she drops it when they're alone. She's honest with him and tells him her real feelings. They don't have anyone else that they can trust except each other. It's more than that, though. He knows he can tell her every doubt and every suspicion he has about the reasons that they're stuck in here, but it feels deeper than that. He really feels like he could tell her every single secret he's got locked inside of him, and he's never felt like that before.

"Maybe we need to get non-government jobs." She keeps smiling and lifts her eyebrows.

He laughs a little. "Yeah… I think I've been _part_ of the man for so long that I forgot how much he sucks."

"Did you always want to be a cop?"

"Uhhh, no." He laughs again. "Maybe when I was like four, I might have thought that was a cool idea. But no. I was never the biggest fan of the police."

"Too much of a troublemaker."

He lifts his own eyebrows. "Something like that."

"So what turned your little life around?"

"I heard it was a good way to get girls. Man in uniform and all that."

She eyes him for a second like she's trying to figure out if he's being serious. Then she laughs and says, "I'm sure that works out well for you."

He shrugs one shoulder. "I mean, it doesn't _suck._ But no. It was Lex." He rolls his eyes. "Of _course_. He was already doing it, and he was always on my ass about doing something productive and not wasting my whole life and blah, blah, blah. And eventually, I just thought maybe I _could_ do something like that, and maybe I really didn't have to spend my whole life being a loser. And… here I am."

"Here you are."

They look at each other, and it's one of those heavy looks that they keep finding themselves in. It's one of those moments when he's actually glad that they're leaning against opposite walls because if they were any closer than that, he's positive that they would end up breaking every cordon rule in existence. He honestly doesn't know how much longer they can keep doing this. It gets harder every single day, and he's not even sure what they're actually waiting on anymore.

"I think you're doing a good job." She leans her head against the wall and smiles softly at him. "I feel a lot better knowing you're here."

"You realize I have no idea what I'm doing, right?" He's joking, but not really.

Katie just shakes her head. "I think you're doing great."

He knows she really has no way of knowing how much that actually means to him. He's not used to people really believing in him, and he's especially not used to caring what people think. But he _does_ care what she thinks, so much that it's actually kind of scary. Except he's not scared… It's unnerving, but he isn't scared of it. He sort of feels like he's been waiting on this feeling his whole life, and truthfully, it's kind of exciting.

He definitely thinks he could get used to it.

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Thanks for reading! Comments and thoughts are welcome and appreciated!


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